05 Jan The Argument That Never Ends

The meeting ends exactly where it started.

Commercial wants speed and growth.

Operations wants productivity and safety.

Both leave frustrated.

Both feel misunderstood.

Both are convinced the other side is the problem.

Different companies. Same story.

Different couples. Same fight.

Different parents and children. Same loop.

When conflicts repeat, it’s rarely because people are stubborn.

It’s because the relationship has collapsed into only two positions.

One pushes.

One resists.

One decides.

One endures.

Once this happens, thinking disappears.

Not because people are irrational – but because the system has no space left.

Psychology calls this trap doer – done-to.

And it shows up everywhere.

The way out is not better arguments.

It’s something quieter – and far more powerful.

Relational psychoanalysis calls it thirdness (Jessica Benjamin; Lewis Aron).

The “third” is not a mediator.

It’s not HR.

It’s not a clever framework.

It’s the moment the fight pauses long enough for both sides to notice the relationship itself.

When the question shifts from

“Who’s right?”

to

“What is happening between us?”

the atmosphere changes.

Not the problem – yet.

But the room.

In leadership, this is where authority matures.

Instead of pushing harder, the leader names the tension.

Instead of forcing alignment, they allow contradiction to exist without punishment.

“We’re stuck between speed and safety.”

“I notice I’m driving results and you’re protecting stability.”

“Let’s stay with this tension for a moment.”

No instant solution.

No heroic move.

Just space.

And space brings thinking back online.

The same dynamic lives in couples.

Many fights are not about the topic at hand.

They’re about a failed attempt at closeness.

Emmanuel Ghent called the healthy alternative surrender – not submission, not giving up, but dropping defensive roles long enough to be real.

When surrender feels too dangerous, people reach for control.

Or compliance.

Or silent resentment.

And the fight repeats.

Strong leaders don’t eliminate conflict.

Strong relationships don’t avoid it.

They create enough space for learning to happen – even without immediate resolution.

And learning, not winning, is what moves systems forward.

References 

Benjamin, J. (2004). Beyond doer and done to: An intersubjective view of thirdness. Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 73(1), 5–46.

Aron, L. (2006). Analytic impasse and the third. Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 75(2), 349–368.

Ghent, E. (1990). Masochism, submission, surrender. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 26(1), 108–136.