20 Sep How Helicoptering and Micromanaging Can Ruin Lives—And What to Do Instead

Being a parent, leader, or even a grandparent is like balancing on a tightrope. You want the best for your children, your team, or your grandkids, but too much control or worry can backfire spectacularly. It’s a universal struggle, whether you’re running a company, raising kids, or nervously babysitting your grandkids for a weekend.

So, let’s dive into the worst mistakes we make as parents, leaders, or grandparents when we overdo things—and how to fix them before we turn into the very thing we’re trying to avoid.

Mistake 1: Helicoptering and Micromanaging (a.k.a. The “Grandma’s Hovercraft” Syndrome)

When leaders micromanage their employees or parents obsessively hover over their children, they sap the independence right out of them. And yes, grandparents, you’re guilty too! That overprotective “Don’t run too fast, you’ll fall!” mindset often comes from love, but it can be suffocating. Imagine a leader constantly breathing down an employee’s neck about deadlines, like a worried grandparent hovering over a kid playing in the park, terrified they’ll scrape a knee.

Both environments lead to a lack of trust and autonomy. Whether it’s your team or your grandkids, people need space to experiment, fall, and learn from their own mistakes. Overprotecting doesn’t prevent failure—it prevents growth. Freud would have a field day with this!

How to Fix It: Stop hovering! In business, trust your team to take risks and manage their own projects. At home, trust that your child—or grandchild—will survive that tree climb. According to Winnicott (1965), you don’t need to be a perfect leader or caregiver. You just need to be “good enough,” providing a safe environment while letting others explore their boundaries.

Mistake 2: Neglecting Emotional Needs (Even If You’re “Doing It for Their Own Good”)

In both the office and family dynamics, focusing solely on performance and outcomes without considering emotional needs is a major oversight. Just like a boss who piles on projects without checking in on how the team feels, grandparents can fall into the trap of being “overly careful” but emotionally absent. The classic line, “I’m only restricting you because I care,” is well-intentioned but can lead to resentment.

Melanie Klein highlighted that emotional health is key to overall well-being (Klein, 1946). If your employees feel like they’re just cogs in the machine or your grandkids feel constantly restrained “for their own good,” they’ll tune out.

How to Fix It: Make emotional check-ins a priority. Leaders, take the time to ask your team members how they’re doing beyond just their tasks. Grandparents, rather than over-restricting out of fear, have open conversations with your grandkids. Ask them about their day, their feelings, their dreams—even if you worry those dreams might involve skateboarding down a hill without a helmet! As Bion (1962) noted, being attuned to emotional needs helps create stronger, more meaningful connections.

Mistake 3: Projecting Your Insecurities (Yes, Even Grandparents Do This!)

Grandparents, leaders, and parents alike can sometimes project their own fears or insecurities onto those they care for. Whether it’s a leader who can’t delegate because of their own perfectionist tendencies or a grandparent saying, “No, no, you shouldn’t do that!” out of personal fears, this can stifle growth.

Jung (1953) described this as the “shadow” that we project onto others. You see it all the time in business environments—bosses who struggle with a task projecting their frustration onto employees. At home, it’s grandparents who impose their fears of the world onto their grandkids by saying things like, “That’s too dangerous,” or “You’re not ready for that yet,” when the real issue is their own anxiety.

How to Fix It: Recognize when your fears or insecurities are driving your actions. Leaders, trust your team to handle projects without your constant oversight. Grandparents, recognize that the world is different from when you grew up—it’s OK to let the kids explore it. As Lacan (1977) would say, acknowledging the “otherness” of your team or grandkids—realizing they are individuals with their own needs and desires—helps create healthier relationships.

Mistake 4: Over-Fearing Failure (and Passing on That Fear)

One of the most common mistakes in both leadership and family roles is making others fear failure. Whether you’re a boss constantly warning about the “consequences” of mistakes or a grandparent who restricts every move “just in case something goes wrong,” this fear of failure can paralyze those you care about.

As Adler (1930) emphasized, humans are wired to overcome challenges, but when failure is made to seem catastrophic, people freeze. Employees hesitate to take initiative, and kids—or grandkids—fear every decision, even simple ones like climbing a tree or riding a bike.

How to Fix It: Normalize failure as part of the learning process. Leaders, celebrate efforts, not just results. Grandparents, let your grandkids fall, scrape their knees, and get back up. Trust me, they’ll survive! Erikson (1950) highlighted that each stage of development requires overcoming challenges—and yes, that includes a few stumbles along the way.

Conclusion: Finding the Balance

Being a leader, parent, or grandparent comes with its own set of challenges. The key is to find the balance between protection and freedom, guidance and independence. In business, trust your team to grow through their own experiences. At home, let your children or grandkids explore the world—even if it sometimes makes your heart skip a beat.

As Freud (1920) might say, it’s all about balancing the instincts (id), rational thought (ego), and moral judgment (superego). Don’t over-restrict out of fear or overkill. Instead, support them with kindness, trust, and the wisdom that failure is just a step on the road to success.

References

Adler, A. (1930). The pattern of life. London: Routledge & Kegan Paul.

Bion, W. R. (1962). Learning from experience. London: Karnac Books.

Erikson, E. H. (1950). Childhood and society. New York: Norton.

Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the pleasure principle. London: International Psycho-Analytical Press.

Jung, C. G. (1953). Two essays on analytical psychology. New York: Meridian Books.

Klein, M. (1946). Notes on some schizoid mechanisms. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 27, 99-110.

Lacan, J. (1977). Écrits: A selection. New York: Norton.

Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The maturational processes and the facilitating environment. New York: International Universities Press.

#Leadership #Parenting #Grandparenting #Psychoanalysis #PersonalGrowth #EmotionalIntelligence #HelicopterParenting #Micromanagement #TeamBuilding #ChildDevelopment #GrowthMindset #Resilience #EmotionalSupport