09 Oct Choosing a Career? Start With the Pain You Can Tolerate

It’s that time of year again. Graduation caps fly, parents cry, and teenagers across the world are asked the most overwhelming question of all:

“What are you going to do with your life?”

And the answers?

• “I chose psychology because people need help.”
• “I chose nutrition because everyone spends money on food.”
• “I chose veterinary school because everyone has pets.”
• “I chose law because it pays well.”

Sounds reasonable? It is emotionally satisfying, not necessarily realistic. And it’s driven by cognitive bias, wishful thinking, and fear of the unknown.

Let’s unpack this. What’s Really Going On?

We often confuse perceived social needs with personal vocation. We see demand and project it as certainty. This is called projection – a classic defense mechanism where we attribute to the world what we unconsciously struggle to face in ourselves (Freud, 1911/1957).

A teenager says, “The world needs more psychologists.”

What they might unconsciously feel is: “I need to feel useful, understood, and validated.”

Fair enough. But choosing a career because others need it is not the same as being built for it. That mismatch leads to burnout, dropout, or worse – 20 years of silent unhappiness in a career that was never theirs to begin with.

A Better Mirror: What Do You Want to Struggle With?

Donald Winnicott (1960) beautifully argued that a fulfilled life starts when we stop performing for others and start doing things that feel real – true self over false self.

Choosing a career should start with this question:

“What kind of pain am I willing to face again and again – and still care?”

Because every job, no matter how noble or well-paid, involves struggle. The trick is to choose the kind of struggle that feels meaningful to you.

Bias Bombs to Watch Out For:

Here are some psychological traps most teens (and parents) fall into when choosing careers:

Availability Bias – “Everyone I know is doing IT. It must be the future.”

Overgeneralization – “People eat = Nutritionist = Guaranteed job.”

Wishful Thinking – “I’ll become a famous lawyer and never worry about money.”

Parental Projection – “My kid will have a stable life if they do medicine.” (But whose dream is that?)

Defensive Rationalization – “I’ll do law for now. I can always switch later.” (Spoiler: Most don’t.)

A Few Real Questions That Actually Help

Let’s reframe. Instead of “What should I study?” ask:

• What kinds of problems do I find interesting even when they’re hard?
• Do I like working with people, ideas, things, or systems?
• What skills do I already use effortlessly?
• What do others actually come to me for?
• Am I choosing this for me, or to manage someone else’s anxiety?

Final Word for Parents: Let Them Wander

Career paths today are non-linear. Your child may study law, pivot into HR, become a coach, then launch a business. That’s not failure. That’s modern life.

Instead of pushing “safe” choices, help your kids explore what they enjoy, tolerate what they don’t, and build emotional resilience along the way (Fonagy & Target, 2003).

References

• Fonagy, P., & Target, M. (2003). Psychoanalytic Theories: Perspectives from Developmental Psychopathology. Whurr Publishers.
• Freud, S. (1957). Formulations on the Two Principles of Mental Functioning. In The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud (Vol. 12). Hogarth Press. (Original work published 1911)
• Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego distortion in terms of true and false self. In The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment. International Universities Press.

#CareerAdvice #Teenagers #ParentingTeens #WorkMeaning